Spiritual Direction Meeting - 4/8/2011

Today was a tearful meeting for me with Lynn. I've got to write this question down somewhere since it was given to me last night and I don't want it to escape me:

"Is pride preventing you from feasting at the table of grace?"

In my meeting I shared with Lynn all the "stuff" I have been going to and acknowledge that I am broken, hurting and in need all so many different levels. From being a husband/father, to worker, friend and Follower of Jesus. I communicated to Lynn that I feel like I have fallen short in all of these areas and have been failing to "be what I need to be" for all the people whom I love and care for in my life, particularly Tracey and Jordi. Tracey and I had one of our largest arguments since being married on Sunday, April 3rd. Basically it was a culmination of all the personal struggles I have listed above. In my meeting with Pete on Wednesday night he said it sound as if I'm letting the worries of my life weaken my guard, which is allowing the evil one to manipulate my weakness of receiving grace.

Lynn asked where these "expectations" are coming from. It is then that I realized that I'm creating them for myself-- which comes from the "compare" game that I play with other fathers/families in our lives. I try to measure what I believe is a "good and successful" man to the others I see. With that, I have myself believing that I am weak, ill-prepared, not able to provide and a poor spiritual leader. Lynn followed up by asking, "Do Tracey and Jordan tell this to you?"-- for which the answer is "no". If anything they are loving, caring and understanding, but it is a challenge for me to receive their GRACE. Which is an issue I am struggling with in my relationship with Christ. Basically, this struggle in transferring to my earthly relationships.

Lynn then asked me to describe God the Father. The first thing that came to mind was "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE". She then asked, "How does He want me to be like?". I responded, "Like a CHILD." She replied to me, "That's an interesting response. Do you think He's telling you to something?". The obvious answer is "Yes." He wants me to receive His UNCONDITIONAL LOVE like a CHILD, in His freely-given GRACE. So much more to write-- I'll have to continue in on another entry.

Mt 6:33,

Rob