It was peaceful in know that the first sense or word that came to me was "celebration" when it came to describing my current disposition in these areas. I don't claim to have overcome these things by any means, but I feel as if I'm beginning to grasp what it is Lynn is advising and what the Lord is doing in my heart and life. Lynn referred to it as me "practicing" what the Lord was revealing to me. The Lord is showing me that my desire to earn His favor (and others' favor) was not the proper heart-set to be in. 6-9 months ago, I would find my identity in working/earning His and others' favor. It was a way I would determine my worth in Him and to other people. The word "appeasement" came to mind which has such a negative connotation to it. I discovered that I'm in a season where I am practicing receiving His grace and His peace. In this, I'm practicing a new strategy that is based on the Lord rather than applying my old one based on my understanding of worth and approval.
In this it has become a battle within my heart that pits Unconditional Love versus Earning-- or, Approval versus Grace in God, family, and friends. This process is forming me to be more like Him and has me in a season of reconnection, renewal, restoration, reconciliation and recalibration with those around me, but more importantly with God, Tracey, Brett and Jordan. I'm seeing things in a new light, new paradigm with less distortions.
God has me sensing-- as He did back in late August that, "I (He) got this." It's a good place to be. The verse that came to Lynn's mind was Matthew 11:28-30 that says:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
The questions I need to continue ask myself are:
- What does grace mean?
- What does not having the "title" at ROCKHARBOR mean?
The second was a minor issue I brought up, but Lynn referred me once again to the favor/earning issue above and reminded me of GRACE. For some strange reason I came to the ROCKHARBOR Staff page and they had Community Pastors listed. It was odd not seeing mine and Tracey's names not there. Six months ago, I might have reacted differently, but I was reminded of the purpose of the Sabbatical (or break from ministry) Tracey and I took that started in June of 2009. Since then, we have rebuilt our relationship with family (Mom, Spring, Dad, Brett), friends (too many to name), but most importantly our marriage (and family with Brett & Jordan).
Thank You, my Father in heaven. Please help me set my heart and mind on the things that have your fingerprints on. Let me find my way to You and Your way. It is you I love and for you I live. Let me reflect you in all that I do.
Love,
Your son, Ye-- of little faith.
